Wednesday, December 17, 2008

STABILITY


One of the hardest things for me as a bipolar person is the need for stability or consistency. We have moved numerous times and over the past few years I have become very frustrated with the inability to find anything. Just one too many times of moving physical things around in the house for anything from painting to laying down flooring to having company or whatever. In one case I cleaned one whole area so I could know exactly where everything was and my husband came along about a week later and moved everything again. Talk about a down slide. I need to feel organized even if things are not “Martha Stewart” perfect. It is another part of the "disease". I questioned my doctor about this and he verified that.

DELUSIONS


I never expected to be writing about this here but early this morning I couldn't pull myself awake. My husband was getting ready to go to work and I was crying because I had imagined that he was leaving me because he no longer loved me. He had told me he didn't care how I felt, he was leaving me anyway. I had a sense that I would have to go to stay with my mother which is totally out of context with anything that I would do. I do remember that the everything involved moving and selling the house.

I'm sure that the stress of last night and the financial strain that will cause us to sell the house was probably the trigger for my dream. The feeling from the “dream” was just so clear. It took me at least an hour to come out of the fog (with my husband staying home from work until I could clear my mind).