FORGIVE YOURSELF

If at any time during this crazy bipolar "mess" you give into something off the wall be willing to forgive yourself. This is perhaps the hardest thing for me to do.

For example, if I go out and spend a little more money than usual, either return the item or recognize it as one of the stages of bipolar. If I get angry or out of sorts, the same thing applies. Take it in stride and forgive yourself when your emotions get out of control for a while. If you take one full day to do nothing but read a book or let the laundry slide, it's okay.

I never learned this when I was in my 30's. It was always go, go, go. Never a minute for myself. I pushed for my family and ran a regular taxicab getting everyone from place to place. Yes, that is part of the family routine. And in most cases you have to be a super mom. But don't forget that you are a person, too. One day of doing almost nothing is not wrong.

I might add that because of the number of years that I followed the philosophy above it is very likely that my brain chemistry got out of whack and the bipolar came through sooner than it may have if I would have had the sense to forgive myself for not slowing down and smelling the roses, looking at the world around me, or reading a book. I should have put myself into the picture rather than see myself as the one who had to do it all.

MEDICINE BREAKTHROUGH

Being bipolar means always trying to be alert about your feelings and what is happening to you personally. One thing I have learned is that if you are on medicine there is such as medicine breakthrough. That means that at some times a medication which is working for you without any side effects will occasionally give you a completely different reaction.

I have been taking Effexor for three years and the drug does a wonderful job of helping me. But at times the depression or mania returns without any change in dosage. That is what is termed breakthrough. There are times when the brain chemical become somewhat unbalanced and for a few days you feel down or go into a manic stage. There's nothing wrong at all; it's normal but somewhat frustrating.

It usually happens around the time that we change our clocks. No matter what the government has made as the date for change, our body doesn't recognize it all the time. By mid September my body starts needing more rest because the days are getting shorter. My internal clock says it is time to slow down. In spring it may take a few weeks to adjust to daylight savings time since it now comes earlier than years ago. Also there are times of extreme stress or times when my schedule gets interrupted and I go through either manic or depressive stages. I may be "high" for three or four days and then all of a sudden feel depressed. It can happen.

MOTOR SKILLS: TYPING

An after thought: I had really struggled with my writing for the past two weeks and the harder I tried to work on my articles, the harder it became. I just couldn’t get my mind to put the words on the paper spelled correctly. It was almost like I was dyslexic. I have never had a problem with spelling and my mind is usually clear so that I can write with ease. I was really frustrated and didn't have a clue. Man I felt like I went from being in graduate school to being back in kindergarten. But I forgot about being bipolar and brushed that aside. Now I realize I was wrong.

Now that the extra meds are moving out of my system, I can tell a big differenc. Talk about a change. My mind is clear and I will probably type twice as much in one day as I used to. And that is saying a lot since I am already a prolific writer. Another part of my life comes back into perspective.

SHAKING

I made a connection about the extra doses of meds but there was another problem I was having. Off and on for the past few years I have had problems with my hands shaking uncontrollably from time to time. I’ve gone through all the possibilities and just accept it and realize that it may be from too much stress on the tendons, etc. I have had severe tendonitis for quite some time and am trying to keep it from turning into carpal tunnel.

Interestingly enough, today the hands still shake a little but there is not nearly as much as two days before. I am convinced that the meds were affecting my nervous system and the thing that I saw was the shaking. In fact the harder I tried to stop the nervousness the tenser I felt inside and the more the hands actually shook. Weird how medication can affect us. That’s why it is so important to know your own body and read the signals that it sends to you. I still have much to learn.

MEDICATION CHANGE

With my stark revelation about the anger and internal turmoil I also realized something else. My medication was too strong. I have to relearn again how to monitor this change. At the beginning of the month I was anxious and needed a larger dosage. Alternating days didn’t really help much so I stayed on the larger dosage for a week or so. Now I have made the connection I wish I could have made a week ago. The higher dosage was too much and although I didn’t immediately realize what was going on, it was making me depressed without any motivation to do anything.

I felt so overwhelmed that I didn’t even want to try things. In my mind the effort to do something was so exaggerated that I gave up without trying. Now that the drug is evening out I have the motivation back and am handling tasks that I wouldn’t have attempted even last week. It’s amazing just how important keeping the dosage correct is. I also realize that the two moments of anger were not the real me talking. It was the extra meds causing agitation and making me angry. Today I can see it so clearly. If only I could have seen it earlier.

But I found my way out of the maze and that’s all that matters.

TEMPER TANTRUM

Yes, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I had another day when I got so mad I just couldn’t keep it in. I hate getting mad and it’s not part of my normal personality. I was always the compliant child who sought gratification by trying harder to get attention. Most of the time it worked. But what I didn’t see was that the pattern in childhood would carry over into adulthood and trying to keep all the pain deep inside where others could not see it was not healthy.

I was always concerned about my anger and I used to chat in therapy over my feelings. My counselor said that I probably didn’t come even close to what most people experience when they are angry. It’s just that I don’t let off steam for such a long time that when I do “blow up” it seems to be uglier that it may actually be.

At times I feel like the weight of the world in on my shoulders and when I feel so alone, IF it continues for a long time, depression sets in full force. That’s what I realized today. I feel 100% better and I think I am actually feeling alive and worthwhile. I didn’t realize exactly how depressed I really was.

Through all of this, I am thankful that I have a loving husband who may not yet understand bipolar but who seems to take it in stride. And, to my poor cat who went in hiding for several hours, I am glad that I never considered even once in taking my out anger at you!! Now, kitty, kitty…where are you?

KEEP A JOURNAL

Several years when I first began to sort out issues about my past I was encouraged to keep a journal. It didn't sound like an important thing yet I did it and I was pleasantly surprised. As I wrote I discovered that what my mind was thinking about was so far removed what I thought I was feeling that it seemed strange. But as I wrote more and more I gained a better understanding of who I really was. Not just a person on a family tree. Not just a wife, mother, teacher, or taxi cab driver for all the boys. I was important and had personal needs that were often not being addressed or were being swept under the carpet. I had lost part of my identity. Writing has given me an outlet to understand what I am feeling and has given me a chance to really know the real me.

BE AWARE OF WHAT YOUR BODY IS TELLING YOU

You really need to be aware of the signals that your body provides for letting you know that something is wrong. Just like visits to a regular medical doctor for ear infections, sore throat, flu related problems, or fever and pain you need to be aware of what is going on in your life and how it affects your feelings. At times when stress is very high for me, I have to have extra sleep so I can feel rested. Holiday seasons like Thanksgiving and Christmas are just plain stressful anyway.

Our body has a whole network of ways to let us know when we need help. If your ear hurts, then you need to see a doctor to be sure it is all right. A stomach ache, a sprained ankle, a broken leg or arm, an earache, a fever, diabetes, or high blood pressure all tell the doctor something about your problem. Signs that I need a medication change includes sleeping too much, having a headache for several days, nausea, nervous or jittery feeling, or going non-stop for several hours without fatigue (mania stage). Each one of those signs tells me something and I pretty much know what they mean.

Learn to monitor your body and listen to what it is saying.

HOW TO CHOOSE A DOCTOR

I think the most important part of this whole bipolar thing is to have a good doctor who will be actively involved in adjusting medication. I have used my family doctor for years to help me with antidepressants but more and more often the meds would stop doing their job. I have taken Prozac, Lexapro, Wellbutrin (which didn’t help at all), and Celexa. Although that might sound like a lot of meds, I have been treated for depression since 1985. Also, I have not taken them continuously. I have had two or more years between each prescribed medication .I have tried to come off meds and take an herbal alternative but with very little success. It wasn’t until I decided to use a psychiatrist that specialized in medication for mental problems that my success with meds improved 100%.

A good doctor who understands medication and its side effects is so important. Also he needs to have more knowledge about bipolar and the struggle we have with it. Communication is important. He understands more about the disease because of the intensive training he has received. That's why I chose to go to a specialist rather than a general practitioner.

COUNSELING

Should I get counseling? A simple question but with a variety of answers. For me I was diagnosed with clinical depression for several years and from time to time I did have counseling. My choice was to talk with a psychologist to gain more information about the struggle I was having.The main focus for the talk therapy was to get some problems out of my system and to have someone who was objective give me insights into what was really going on.

I have never had group therapy and have mixed feelings about it but for some people it is a good choice because it lets you know that others are struggling with the same problem. Isolation is not the way to handle being bipolar but I have to admit that this choice is sometimes the path that I take.

Another benefit from counseling with a psychiatrist is to gain input about your medication and whether or not it is working for you. Perhaps you don’t think of a psychiatrist as someone to give counseling since their primary function is to monitor medication but they can be useful in helping you to make small changes that will help the medication work better.

BREAK AWAY!!

What a renewed mind with the weekend trip! I feel energized and rested. I worked a little on my writing but overall I had time to relax and forget about all the problems of my little corner of the world. I think the idea of getting away needs to have more priority in my life. It always seems like it is some problem work-related or a commitment that keeps us home, but only 48 hours can make such a change. I'm not stressed out about anything. Good feeling.

BRUSHING THE GLOOMY CLOUDS AWAY

This topic in one that is far easier to write about than to actually do. I have a tendency to be more depressive most of the time and for years I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Is the glass half full or half empty? With me, my depressive side always says half-empty. I know all the right things to do but actually making my mind snap to attention is not so easy. Ir's so easy to crawl back into bed, stay inside the house, or let the depression take over. I know. I've been there and I still struggle with it now.

The rules are: (1) get out of the house (2) find something interesting to do (3) exercise (ugh! I hate that and usually avoid it)---and yes, I know I should do it (4) call or visit a friend who understands you and can give you support. (5) turn on the lights in a room to make the rooms bright (6) put on some music--upbeat and the kind that won't keep you depressed. (7) go to a restaurant or mall or some place where people surround you but don't overwhelm you

Now if only I could follow my own advice every day I would be just fine!!

TAKE TIME TO RELAX

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever know what the meaning of that word means. My life seems so hectic at times when all I really want is some peace and quiet. This weekend I am in TN visiting my son and his wife and it is so great be able to sit down and hear almost nothing. My own life seems full of interruptions, way too many phone calls, always plenty of laundry to do, and so on, and so on. My mind needs time to unwind and I have had to relearn how to forgive myself and actually do something leisurely.

Working on my writing helps me to relax but my mind is still active. The intent of relaxing is to let your mind take you far away from all the tasks and details that bother you. If you need a break, walk outside and sit down for a while, work in a garden, read a book. sip a glass of lemonade, or bask in the sun. Whatever it takes for you to relax, do it. Once you allow your mind to calm down, you will feel better.

Oh, BTW, that relaxing time has to be longer than 5 or 10 minutes. With the fast racing speed of a bipolar mind in a manic stage that doesn't give me long enough. With only a few minutes, the time is short that I have only had time to think of more things to do and not unwind at all.

INSIGHT INTO MOOD SWINGS

In the early stages your depressive or manic (upswing) moods can switch back and forth so quickly that you get frustrated. If you have just been recently diagnosed and are starting to medication remember two things.

1. The extreme range of emotions is what doctors are trying to “even out” with medication.

2. The longer you are on your medication the more the mood swings even out. In the early stages of bipolar I had the ups and downs on a very irregular basis. Now I can pretty much say that it’s about six months of feeling up and about six months of feeling blue. Also, summer is simply brighter outside and this is the time that I feel more in control of things. When winter comes and the days are longer, the depression actually seems to take control.

Also be aware that it takes from 6-8 weeks for the medication to get 100% into your system as it evens out the moods.

EXTREME EMOTIONS

The mood swings of being bipolar can be exhausting. One minute you feel great, ready to take on the whole world and maybe energized so much that you can stay up way longer than you should. The next minute you are agitated or are crying for no apparent reason. Sometimes it is as easy as someone saying absolutely nothing at all that should bother you but for some reason one word or a statement can cause a crying jag or depression.

On some days I find myself moving into what I like to call “kill mode” where anything or anyone who gets in my way better leave me alone. That includes my husband and the cat. You may wonder where all the emotions came from and why you can’t just “get over it”. Remember being bipolar is actually classified as extreme mood swings and don’t hit yourself over the head because you don’t like it or can’t understand it. It’s the stupid disease!!

I CAN'T CONCENTRATE

Did you ever have one of those days when you couldn’t focus or concentrate on anything? Did it frustrate you? How did you handle it?

Perhaps the thing that can really irritate me is the inability to concentrate. I try to do something like read a book or write and I feel like I am just staring off into space and no matter how hard I want to get something done it is just not going to happen. Most people actually experience this more than once in life, but for the bipolar person it seems to happen more than I want do admit. Normally for me it is due to not getting enough sleep or being very emotional. Sometimes if I take a short nap or give myself permission to watch television I feel better and once I am rested I can concentrate. On other days, I just have to chalk it up to being bipolar. I have to keep reminding myself that this chemical balance is real; it is not imaginary. So for one day or maybe even two I give up on the concentration and realize that tomorrow will be better.

PSYHCIATRIC INTERVIEW

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO LAUGH

CRAZY TALK

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

STRESSFUL EVENTS 2005

In 2005 my husband had a hip replacement and two cataract surgeries. One son faced criminal charges filed by his stepdaughter and the resulting divorce proceedings split one family unit apart. I was diagnosed as bipolar and had to learn about this disorder and how it could affect me. This one of my normal years but the events were probably more stressful since many of the problems were not solved in just a year or so.

CONCLUSION/ANALYSIS
So, you probably wonder exactly why I am listing all of this. It is certainly not to brag on myself but to show the heavy stress load that kept my life in turmoil and more than likely tipped the scales toward a bipolar diagnosis. For years I was diagnosed with clinical depression which seemed logical but every two years my medicine stopped working and we had to work through a new medicine.

STRESSFUL EVENTS 2002

Only one and a half years later the stress continued. My father passed away, one son graduated from college and one son graduated from high school, we had a wedding in June 2002, One son who had been living with us moved from AR to DE and my husband took on extra work responsibilities which involved probably 50% travel. We lost seven people who we were very close including three aunts in addition to my father. Again a very stressful year.

STRESSFUL EVENTS 1999/2000

In 1999/2000 my husband was diagnosed with a heart condition, my father was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and my “baby” brother was admitted to the hospital with severe pancreatitis which put him in a coma for three weeks and a hospital stay of 8 months to recover. I had my son’s future wife from NY staying with me and in the year 2000 we had a wedding. And that’s only what I remember. WHEW!! Again!

STRESSFUL EVENTS 1996

In 1996 alone I experienced two graduations, putting the home in VA on the market and moving to AR, dealing with a lawsuit, problems with a realtor who wasn’t motivated to sell our property in VA, contractual problems in settling on the property in AR, and working to get boys settled in high school and college in an area where they hadn’t even seen. Also on my plate in the same year was problems with my brother being arrested and convicted with a felony, parents who were having problems with mental health issues such as “five finger discounts”, and a son who faced charges as a result of reverse racism. WHEW!!!

PREVALENCE OF BIPOLAR

It seems lately that I have met or heard from several that they or someone else they know is bipolar. To determine exactly how many people are affected in the US I checked on the NMH (National Mental Health) site and about 1.7 million people have bipolar disorder. That is approximately 1.7 % of the population. In children and adolescents there about 3 million affected. Many of these are misdiagnosed with either depression or ADD. Children in this group are actually in the early stages of bipolar disorder. They just haven’t progressed to the extreme mood swings found in bull blown bipolar. (MentalHealth.net).

Another fact that I discovered recently is that bipolar disorder may be caused by extreme stress as well as the usual heredity factor. For myself there is a heredity factor but I am beginning to consider the fact that extreme stress has only added to my diagnosis. 1996, 1999, 2002, and 2005 were stressful for me with extreme stress. Normally psychologists estimate that the human body can only handle three stressful events during a year. That includes marriage, a death in the family, divorce or loss of job. Although not mentioned I am sure that the recent hurricanes and tornados which devastated many areas of the US and left many without homes is also included.

SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL

If ever there was a day that I wanted to end it was yesterday. I got up rested and ready to write but it went downhill from there. I had to run an errand at the bank only to have the bank inform me that they thought the check I was going to deposit was bogus. Great!

I returned home to work on the computer and every time I turned around this "bug" kept popping up. I absolutely was totally fed up with the dumb thing and I rebooted my computer at least twice only to have the stupid thing come up again. I tried searches that only ended in places where they were unable to load the site. I was ready to go on a bashing spree and clobber anything that got in my way. Then, as it that was enough the cat bawled all day. I knew he wanted some attention but I was so frustrated at the computer that I sent him out of the room and closed the door. The bawling didn't stop.

My husband called from work to remind me that we were going out of town. Drat! I completely forgot about it. Then when my son called to double check if it was okay if his wife's sister and husband were staying there due to no electric would that be okay. My hubby readily agreed without checking with me when my preference would have been to make it another weekend. BTW, he wasn't much help throughout the evening. He had his face glued to the RNC and pretty much ignored me. I could have been a ghost wandering through the house and he wouldn't even felt a chill.

I simply couldn't relax. My mind kept replaying the event at a business meeting that frustrated me and I felt was ridiculous. The group voted on the item but I am still upset. No matter how hard I tried all day I just couldn't relax one muscle. I sat down, I got up, I sat down again and then I got up again. Total bummer! I considered taking a whole sleeping which would have knocked me out for 24 hours, fought the idea and finally went to bed around midnight frazzled(with the right balance of meds). Once I got asleep I slept around the clock. What a difference it makes in just getting sleep.

Maybe today will be better. I sure hope so! No way do I want an instant replay of yesterday!

AM I CRAZY?

Before I was diagnosed as bipolar I went through a series of different antidepressants and actually wondered if I was ever going to feel “normal”. On my first meeting with a professional, after answering a few questions about my feelings, he gave me my diagnosis and said “Aren’t you glad that you aren’t crazy?” Seems that many people actually question their sanity or ability to interact in life and have often considered themselves to be crazy. It sounds weird, but when the mind doesn’t focus like it should we become confused. We have unanswered questions from within that test our entire thinking process. We feel crazy inside and hope that on the outside we are not acting crazy.

HOW DOES THE MIND WORK?

I found an excellent website that is worthy of reading. Some analogies were so clear cut and understandable because the writer has such terrific insight.

During the depressive state of being bipolar the whole mind slows down. This author says the mind slows down like molasses. I probably wouldn't have thought of that but the comparison is so accurate. I like that idea.

The other side of the coin is the manic stage in which the mind is energized and races. During those times I have as many as six or more thoughts going through my mind and I could easily start a project and probably work around the clock for several days. Recently the longest I have been up without sleep was 4 days but it was due to leaving my Seroquel at home. On the same website above the author likens the manic stage as being very similar to a high that someone might experience on drugs or like a race car going out of control. Again, I like the comparison.

You really have to check out this site. It will explain more on the topic from someone who is very knowledgeable in the medical field and knows more on the disorder than I do, naturally. very knowledgeable on writing medical articles.

Health A to Z: A World of Health at your Fingertips; “Bipolar Disorder" http://www.healthatoz.com

BIPOLAR 1 v BIPOLAR 2

Anyone who is bipolar knows that there are two basic types of the disorder with a number of in-between patterns. I am BIPOLAR 2 which means that I have certain periods of depression followed by periods of high energy or mania. The medication I take helps to keep my brain chemistry balanced so that life is more evenly balanced

BIPOLAR 1 is normally used to describe someone who always seems to be on a very high energy level and keep long hours with very little sleep. Many executives perform at a level that involves handling a variety of tasks that the average person couldn’t reasonably handle. That type of non-stop energy is one way to explain Bipolar 1.

(*Please note that this does not mean that I think all executive CEO’s are bipolar or manic. They’re not. I am just using the example of the heavy work load to describe the fast pace that most of them handle.. A person who is truly Bipolar 1 would have problems ever resting or slowing down the pace.)

WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING

Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtasked. Oliver Wendell Holmes

O, little mother
I am in my own mind.
I am locked in the wrong house. Anne Sexton

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.--Lord Webb-Johnson, Look, October 4, 1955

THE GUYS IN THE WHITE JACKETS

I thought about this while I was driving yesterday. This phrase is so ingrained into us as children/teens that we believe it. “There coming to take me away! There coming to take me away!” Any weird thing we do that seems odd to us or to others sends a chill down my back because I believed it was true,

Facing up to a problem is not easy and on my first visit to a psychologist, notice not a psychiatrist, I was not scared…I was petrified. Opening up myself and my feelings to someone else who could see right through me was hard. But after the first session things got a little easier with each following visit.

Do you want to have your kids battle the same feelings in their own life? Not all children will be bipolar in a family but there is a hereditary factor. Give them the opportunity to learn from your experiences and show them a better way to handle things.

MORNING THOUGHTS

I woke up around 5:00 am when my husband got up early. With only 4 hours of sleep I was aware of the time but knew I still needed some sleep. I went back to sleep and had dreams of someone being angry and yelling at me. It seemed so real. I hadn't a clue as to where the ideas came from but it was a little unnerving to wake up with those thoughts running through my mind. I eventually got up around 8:00 am and decided that I needed to take time to write.

The real issue is not having time for myself. Rather it is missing the interaction with my significant other. Always busy or asleep due to hectic day, I miss the conversations. I need a sounding board and I am hoping that it might come through this connection.

Also, I recall one day that I exercised and felt wonderful but after 18 hours awake, I decided that I couldn't keep up on that schedule without crashing after a short time.

Writing helps to clear my mind and putting thoughts down on paper makes everything real. It always helps me to write and often I am surprised at what I actually am thinking.

KEEPING FOCUSED

I had a fairly routine morning. I did take about an hour to rest around 10:30 and felt better. I really come alive around 1:30 pm. Today I wanted to do some writing and editing of some older articles that I now see in a much different way now. Anyway, I was feeling so bummed out when I started--probably a little overwhelmed--that I considered hitting the delete button on all the Word documents related to writing. (I should add that there are almost 100 articles that I have written.)

Something inside told me to walk away and take control. I may have felt that they were "nothing" at all, just unconnected thoughts, but I got busy with something else. When I came back 2 hours later, I knew that I had done a great job with the articles and that I did have a talent. Don't let the emotions and depression take control over your life. Keep focused and no matter how insignificant things seem, don't make any decisions until later.

SIDE EFFECTS OF MEDS

I find myself just coming out of a period of anxiety (panic attack)and nervousness due to some medication, probably the Effexor. I'm trying to balance the dosage since 225 mg. didn't seem to be working. I'm up to 300 mg. but it seems to be too strong to take every day. I will try to rotate between 225mg one day, 300mg the next.

I have read on other sites where people have mixed feelings about this drug. For me, it came after several years with other antidepressants, none of which worked very well. The medication seems to be helping but I didn't think ahead about the long-term cost especially when I am on retirement. I probably should mention that I have had therapy and am on a regular scheduled visit to a doctor who monitors my feelings, etc. Does anyone else have personal experiences with this drug?

I probably should mention that there is a hereditary factor for depression and bi-polar disorder. I only learned of it recently but apparently it has been evident in at least three generations.

ANGER AND RAGE WITHIN

I read an article in our area newspaper that sounds like someone may be having a bad day, possibly because they were depressed and on a downswing?? A 56 year old adult was arrested for both a felony and a misdemeanor for using a sawed-off shotgun to shoot his lawnmower because it wouldn't start. Man, isn't that ludicrous??

Before I was diagnosed as bipolar I went through a series of different antidepressants and actually wondered if I was ever going to feel “normal”. On my first meeting with a professional, after answering a few questions about my feelings, he gave me my diagnosis and said “Aren’t you glad that you aren’t crazy?” Seems that many people actually question their sanity or ability to interact in life and have often considered themselves to be crazy.

I thought about it for a while and I have to admit that I wondered more than once whether the “men in the white jackets” were coming to take me away. It sounds weird, but when the mind doesn’t focus like it should we become confused. We have unanswered questions from within that test our entire thinking process. Obviously the man who shot his lawnmower didn't have a logical, clear thinking process.

During those times when we question our logic or actions, remember that being bipolar means a chemical imbalance in our brain which causes mood swings. Accept yourself for who you are and give yourself permission to forgive yourself when you make mistakes. Just don't shoot your lawnmower, okay? It can get you into a whole heap of trouble.

CLIMBING OUT OF DEPRESSION

After one week with new medication, things are beginning to look up. I started with a new focus today trying to spend more time for myself and less focusing on the needs of others. I have been too bogged down and stressed out over things that my husband has misplaced. I can now get up early in the morning. I took a walk this morning, and my eating has been under control today. I had some time to read and study the Bible and that made me feel better. A friend is making progress on her book and I love to spend time with her giving any assistance she may need. I really admire her and her talent for writing.

A CHANGE IN DIRECTION

I'm beginning to feel better due to a change in medication. I felt for so long that I would never feel bouncy or upbeat again. I still struggle each day with keeping my focus. If I had a list of things to do that is written out I do better. And, for some reason, Monday is one of my better days. I'm not sure why but I probably use Sunday evening as a time to organize my weekly errands.

Things I want to do: change my pattern of sleeping/eating, keep my eating in control so I can lose weight, find something to maintain my interest that is really intriguing, and try to work on my "things to do" list.

LOUSY WEEK

This has absolutely been the roughest week I have been through in a long time. I was tired after the 4^th of July weekend and it seemed like no matter how hard I tried to get rested, I was completely frazzled the whole week. No energy at all. I was nervous and tense. I guess that the fact that the air conditioning was off for three days of the week didn’t help. It went out on Tuesday evening, again on Wednesday evening, and when I came home Thursday after an appointment in El Dorado it was a cool 82 degrees inside. And naturally the temps outside was in the high 90’s-–probably the hottest week we have had this summer.

The job interview at the church was another difficult day. Over-tired and not even sure if I wanted the job in the first place, I headed to the church. Eyes swollen from crying and being very emotional, I came to interview with one person and came face to face with a whole room of people from the personnel committee. I knew each one of them but wasn’t expecting that type of interview. I think I did a fair job but with all the accounting and tax preparation and regular office duties I am leaning towards not taking the job. I want to be able to worship at church without seeing everyone’s real side/problems. I’m not calling it quits yet but I will think of it for another week.

The piece de resistance was when my husband came home Thursday and told me that he would have to work 24/7 for the next few weeks until the audit was finished. I was disappointed but in the middle of the night when my cat woke me up with a territorial marking and I discovered that my husband was still up, I totally lost it. I feel so alone and whenever I want to talk or just have him listen to me, he is either not at home or he falls asleep. Bummer. And the eating has gotten out of control. Rather than eat very little or even try to work on a good eating plan, I have changed my approach to a complete overeating pattern. Stuffing my face with food it not what I want but it seems to be the only way to bring any comfort to me. How in the world will I ever get over this mess??

TOO HARD TO HANDLE

It started out with the AC going out. Of course it was on a day that was 90+ degrees outside. And this wasn’t the first time this summer that we had to deal with the inside of the house being way too warm. Grouchy. That’s how it made me feel. And although I did get some sleep, it meant that I had to cancel several things on my calendar. Grrrr.

Another day with no motivation. Oh, yes, I mowed the lawn, but that’s about all. I tried to keep calm and relax for an afternoon job interview but the more I tried to relax, the harder it became. Giving up was becoming a really good choice. Trash the job interview and rest on the couch and let the tiredness seep throughout my body. Oh, it was tempting. And yes, I did have my fingers dialing a couple of phone numbers but for some reason God stopped me.

I didn’t want to give up. I had to work through this problem somehow. With some prayer and encouragement from Terry, I was able to somehow make it through the interview. I did my best but haven’t a clue as to whether or not it was good enough. I did realize exactly what the job encompassed and recognize that it is something that I really don’t want to do. I have no desire to work on financial statements. Organizing, typing, putting my thoughts on paper and making things sound professional are more up my alley. I came out of my comfort zone and stretched my abilities beyond their normal range and succeeded. That’s it. I made it. Overcoming bipolar can happen, it just takes work, plenty of it.

MEDICATION: BLESSING OR CURSE?

Why, oh why does everyone seem to think that being bipolar is nothing at all? I get tired and exhausted from doing simple things and I can't handle things like I used to be able. This past weekend we were gone for the whole weekend and I enjoyed myself but found myself wiped out on Monday. This is not in my head! It is part of who I am now---not what I choose to be---but what being bipolar does to me. Motivation is not always easy and the hot weather does not help one flip.

I feel better when I am not stressed out and can keep on a regular routine but it seems like such an unrealistic idea. Is there such a thing as "routine" in my life? Why do interruptions cause me to feel worn out? Medication. It seems to help but only to help prevent the extreme mood swings. I have known of others who have gone off their medication only to have more severe symptoms. They have ended up in the hospital until their chemistry has evened out. I do not choose that path but some times I wonder if not taking the medication would help. I take my medication faithfully--Lamictal and Effexor XR in the am and Lamictal and Seroquel in the pm. We’ve tried a variety of RX’s and these seem to keep me on a more even keel.

Being bipolar is NOT fun and more than once I wish I didn't have to deal with the whole blasted thing.

SPENDING MONEY

I’ve always heard that people with our disorders have a tendency to spend large sums of money while on a manic cycle. Do I fit into this category? Am I a high spender who seems to have no control or is out of control during the manic stage? Just where do I fall into line with this idea?

If I am really on an upswing I find myself looking more in stores and more willing to shop impulsively. But for me it has always remained around $200. I’m not sure why it stays at that number. Maybe because I know that finances are tight. Honestly, I don’t know why.

I’ve heard of others who spend large sums of money without really thinking of the consequences and then have to struggle later on to pay off large sums of credit card charges or repay loans that occurred as a result of overspending. Flashy spending is not my style. Anyone else care to comment on this?? Do you go on a spending spree when you are in the manic cycle? If not, exactly what do you do? Catch-up on your artwork and paint with a frenzy? Write non-stop and become more productive than normal? Gamble? Take risks that you normally wouldn’t do? You have to know how you react to being bipolar. Spending money may not be a problem for you but somewhere along the pathway something else probably happens as a result of the disease.

THE UPS AND DOWNS

July 1, 2008

Two days of exhaustion and no energy for anything. Why? I just wake up groggy (do not drink) and out of sorts. Little things bother me and just resting helps. I so often forget to give myself time to actually relax. I am so used to being on the go that I forget that is okay to have some time to read a book, write an article, or just lounge in a chair on the back deck. Yea, that’s the depressive side taking over just for a while. It will pass and the upswing will take over.

When I was first diagnosed I was manic for about 6 months and depressive for about 6 months. Now the ups and downs are much less. If something difficult comes along, then I tend to be on the depressive side of the disorder. After I am rested and relieved that the stressor is off or reduced, then the manic side shows its face. I like it better since I have much more energy and I feel more in control of myself and what I do.

I have to learn to read the signs of this disorder and keep in touch with my feelings in order to move ahead and stay focused on the important things in life.

TIRED OR EXHAUSTED?

AM---The fatigue returns in full force. I realize it is emotional. I decided to read a book and let my mind relax. By the evening I was energized. Tonight I will try to get to bed at a reasonable hour.

PM---Rested and ready for another day. My mind: thanks for a sunny day, ready to run errands, things are manageable, great to have my car back, have to work on laundry, ugh-6 cats and time to tidy-up, birds resting on feeder--sign of spring; yeah, computer time; oops, cat meowing while typing, have to answer phone, need to return DVD, windy but cool weather fit for running or outdoor work. Jittery, tense, laughing, hurrying, shopping, tired, thankful, peaceful, cozy, dreamy, and grateful all at the same time.

FAMILY IS IMPORTANT

I started my day rested and things fell into place easily. I used my time to write a short article on an event that happened and made an impression on me. It helped me to get my feelings down on paper. Later I accessed my email only to find that two of my uncles are having health issues. One is battling congestive heart failure and is now getting around with a walker. The other one has struggled with diabetes and a heart condition for years and he suffered a light stroke this week. I no longer live in Ohio where my parents, cousins, aunts and uncles are located. In fact, I live almost 1200 miles away.

This news made me realize just how important family connections are and the need to stay in close touch with family throughout the years. My early years were influenced by a tight-knit family unit but learning to let go of the past is not easy. I have to learn to accept the finality of all life. It’s not easy but over the next few months or years I think I will try to remember just how much each of these special people meant to me. Yes, life is fragile and the window to our soul lies beneath the surface of each of us.

GETTING BACK ON TRACK

I woke up early this morning, probably the earliest for a long time. It took a couple of days to get caught up on my sleep but now that I am rested, I feel more like a human being and I’m ready to face the world. I went to the gym to exercise, something that I can usually procrastinate doing. Once I got started I felt fine and I am determined to keep up with a regular time for exercise. Being bipolar is not fun but with the right game plan I can keep my emotions in check and not let the disease control me.

FEELINGS

February 18, 2008

**Today I woke up tired and drained with no energy or motivation. Yesterday was a long day with very little time for myself. Perhaps that is why I feel emotionally worn out. The weather is absolutely beautiful outside but I can’t seem to enjoy it. I ran a couple of errands and still felt tired and out of sorts. I feel like life is passing me by and I want to be more involved but at times I just can’t function.

THE JOURNEY BEGINS

**The purpose of this blog is to discuss, compare, and motivate others who are coping with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with bipolar about three years ago and it has been a series of ups and downs as I learn to cope with a disease that many people don’t understand. I’m hoping that each one who has struggled with the phases of bipolar disorder will contribute and add comments to help each of us better understand the puzzle and maze which we walk through each day.

Being bipolar is much more than emotions and mood swings. It includes medication issues, counseling, and learning to connect with the inner you, the real you, the one that you learn to uncover along the bipolar pathway.