STABILITY

One of the hardest things for me as a bipolar person is the need for stability or consistency. We have moved numerous times and over the past few years I have become very frustrated with the inability to find anything. Just one too many times of moving physical things around in the house for anything from painting to laying down flooring to having company or whatever. In one case I cleaned one whole area so I could know exactly where everything was and my husband came along about a week later and moved everything again. Talk about a down slide. I need to feel organized even if things are not “Martha Stewart” perfect. It is another part of the "disease". I questioned my doctor about this and he verified that.

DELUSIONS

I never expected to be writing about this here but early this morning I couldn't pull myself awake. My husband was getting ready to go to work and I was crying because I had imagined that he was leaving me because he no longer loved me. He had told me he didn't care how I felt, he was leaving me anyway. I had a sense that I would have to go to stay with my mother which is totally out of context with anything that I would do. I do remember that the everything involved moving and selling the house.

I'm sure that the stress of last night and the financial strain that will cause us to sell the house was probably the trigger for my dream. The feeling from the “dream” was just so clear. It took me at least an hour to come out of the fog (with my husband staying home from work until I could clear my mind).

LAUGHTER

We talk about it and how great it is to laugh and forget about everything; What I didn't realize is that I don't laugh as much as I used to. Today my hubby mentioned that it was great to hear me laugh. Earlier this month he mentioned how much he liked to hear me singing around the house. When did I become so overwhelmed that I let those important parts of life pass me by.

If I am not energetic in the morning, then I turn on the CD player and listen to Christian music. It elevates my spirit. Never let life become so complicated that all the joy disappears. Find yourself again and let happiness return again. Life is too short to even let one day slip away.

ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle.  On the contrary it means accepting it as it comes...To accept is to say yes to life in its entirety.
Paul Tournier

You can make each day a happy one by the loving things you do; sharing hopes and dreams and making wishes come true.
Hercolena Oliver

BLESSINGS I NEED TO REMEMBER

Angels around us, angels beside us, angels within us. Angels are watching over you when times are good or stressed. Their wings wrap gently around you, whispering you are loved and blessed."
Angel Blessing

Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.
Og Mandino

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Dolly Parton

PERSISTENCE

If I had to use one word that I feel describes the problems with bipolar that word would be persistence. It means that no matter how hard things get I have to keep working at the problem, taking my medication, and realizing that eventually things will turn around. It would be so easy to just give up and quit because sometimes the disease manifests itself like a depressive cycle. The good feeling of the manic stage is one that I want to hold on to but after days or weeks of that cycle, the downswing begins and depression takes over. In fact that was the reason I saw a doctor in the first place. The meds weren't working on a long term basis. What one doctor saw as depression another realized that bipolar was more accurate. I'm thankful for the diagnosis and although it may not be what I was expecting, it at least gives me a better understanding of what really is going on.

BIPOLAR I

I have never actually talked about this since I don't have this type of bipolar but it seems worth mentioning. This type of bipolar is an extreme version which has the person on a full blown mania stage. They never seem to run out of energy and can go on very little sleep. Occasionally it catches up with them but after a day or two of extra sleep the manic stage returns.

I read somewhere that bipolar can be compared to a cocaine high. If they get out of control due to hours of non-stop activity they may become psychotic are require hospitalization against their will. They may also have trouble with the police. I'm guessing that the extreme manic phase must be like a wild adrenaline rush. If the person cannot relax the hospitalization may be necessary to calm everything down.

JOY OF COOKING RETURNS

This may or may not be related to bipolar but it seems worth mentioning here. After a couple of nights of getting completely rested I feel more like myself. I worked on making apple butter, something I have never done before. I am feeling more like being in the kitchen again and when I take on even simple projects like making jam or making a casserole I have a sense of accomplishment. I actually feel like I am ready to get back to enjoying time in the kitchen, something I haven't done for years.

All those years of cooking for a house full of boys and kids made me feel like I never wanted to cook again. More than one person has told me they felt the same way. I think maybe I am over that bump and am ready to get back to something I always loved.

A LOOK INTO THE PAST

Early April 2006

Trouble finishing projects; don't feel organized, buying things with good intentions then putting them down at home and then the incentive is gone. I have to stop and think in conversations. In May when the time change has normalized in my brain and the sun is shining my energy level goes up and I feel elated. Once again I feel emotionally worn out when I had to give emotional support to Terry. My mood did a down swing and I felt like I never would be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This pattern repeats itself in a regular fashion and helps me to better understand bipolar disorder.

INTROSPECTION

January 2006

1) Occasional feelings of “it's not worth fighting any more” Just ready to quit on reaching my own goals. Some OCD arises.

(2) Some periods of stress leave me with the “I can't breathe” feeling. A type of panic attack.

(3) Giving an answer to a question is important but having the answer ignored and the question asked over and over until I give the right response (whatever that is) frustrates me.

(4) Lack of encouragement from others sends me on a negative down slide. Why can't someone be there for me when I am always there for others? Small little touches that I do on some days are ignored or overlooked. Just a simple “that's nice” would make my day.

(5) The repeated pattern of someone else's OCD, panic attacks, lack of attention, and lack of encouragement is consistent year after year. It is exhausting and is draining all the energy from me.

MORE INSIGHTS

October 2005

(1)There is a repeated patten with not getting enough sleep and feeling worn out and depressed. This lifestyle is way too hectic The up stage of this disease normally occurs around September and October when the time change happens. The slower pace seems to be exactly what I need.

(2)By the end of October I was feeling depressed with lack of sleep, lack of interest in things I enjoy and feeling anxious. Too much stress and not enough sleep. Not enough time for myself.

(3)I have a pattern of feeling emotionally worn out from all the problems that present themselves with an intensity that most people don't have to deal with. Everyone has stress but mine feels like it is non-stop. Way too many things to balance all at one time.

(4)Problems with falling asleep begin with my eyes popping open as soon as I hit the bed no matter how tired I felt before. I have problems holding up my head during the day and want to sleep to compensate for the lack of restful sleep.

INSIGHTS & FEELINGS

August 2005

(1)Heavy stress leaves me feeling trapped and unable to concentrate fully. I notice that I lack interest in things I once enjoyed. I am anxious about seeing my doctor since I have not met my goals.

(2) I have a problem with difficult people. I want to avoid confrontation yet I need to speak up. Further frustration comes from feeling ignored or unable to carry on a two way conversation. I hate it when people treat me like I don't exist.

(3)Interruptions drive me crazy! Especially those that come non-stop with no time to catch a breath.

INSIGHTS

I recently found my journal with my thoughts and perceptions about bipolar disorder when I was first diagnosed. I thought it would be a good idea to put them down here.

July 2005

(1)One of the first things I discovered was that being overwhelmed caused a lot of stress and eventually led to lack of sleep and anger for not having enough time for myself.

(2)At times I feel like I am between two dimensions: one was peaceful and the other was scary. I had dreams about walking around in strange house yet knowing where everything was. The dream was in great detail such as the number of panes in a window and what was inside each cabinet door. I thought that someone was trying to get inside hoping that my hubby would notice. I woke myself up feeling very scared.

LEAVE THE PROBLEMS AT HOME

We all need time away from home. A time to put all the problems and frustrations we normally have to deal with off to the side. Take time to really get away. For so long I took a mini-vacation. Two or three days seemed to be sufficient. And yet when I came home it seemed like I hadn’t really been able to relax. All the tasks were there staring me in the face and the break seemed too brief.

But on this recent trip to Atlanta my husband and I took an extra day to make the trip both there and back home. We stayed at a hotel and that short time of spending time together without interference was a godsend. No bothersome phone calls from work; no interrupting phone calls at home; the ability to carry on a conversation completely in full sentences; and no tasks to handle like laundry or tidying up the kitchen or other parts of the home. A complete break away from things. What a change it made in my attitude.

MUSIC AND BIPOLAR

There is an obvious connection between music and a happy frame of mind. For some time I have been depressed or feeling unconnected. Actually I prefer peace and quiet so that is probably while I don’t always focus on music as a means to lift my mood. I went out of town this past weekend and I discovered that if I took the time to listen to music my mindset improves. For me, that is quiet, soft music, traditional or contemporary Christian songs. As the notes form the melody and the song progresses I notice my mood changing. Obviously if the music was a type I didn’t like it would probably have a different effect. So, the key is to think about music and try to use it lift your mood.

WHEN I CAN'T CONTROL CIRCUMSTANCES

Recently I have had problems adjusting to some circumstances over which I have no control. In our church we only have a youth pastor right now. It seems strange without having any more staff available. I’m working to find a way to keep centered on the positive things that are happening. I won’t say that I don’t have times when I feel a little down because of the changes, but I will not allow myself to dwell on the negative. Things will come together eventually. Some things just have to take time to correct or to go through the process. It’s not easy putting things neatly tucked away in my mind where I won’t dwell on them. Yet, that is exactly what I have to do.

LEARN TO GO WITH THE FLOW

For the past two weeks I have had to remember this. I had the unpleasant task of trying to get my computer up and running. It was a long two weeks until the viruses were removed and I could get back to work. Then for the next four days I struggled with a mouse that decided to die and a keyboard that just wouldn’t come on at all. Finally by replacing both of them, I am now able to get back to normal. It made me realize just how comfortable I have gotten in having my “toys” available and depending on things running smoothly. The harder I tried to keep calm, the harder it became near the last few days. It had been so frustrating waiting that when the mouse and keyboard both were out of commission. I could feel a tinge of frustration/anger during the last day or so. I recognized that anyone else would probably be just as annoyed with the same problem.

HINDSIGHTS

I have had a few clues in the past that I was overstressed and at that time I never made the connection between stress and a bipolar connection. For one, I had serious migraine headaches for quite some time. Throbbing headaches where I would have to go to bed and have no lights on at all. Headaches that would cause nausea. Severe headaches where I would pray that the medication would take effect NOW.

I had nausea off and on for quite some time (and I wasn’t pregnant) and anything I attempted to do just left me totally sick to my stomach. I remember one time when we decided to clean the carpet at home. My head was spinning and I basically kept leaning over a bucket to be prepared when it was time to “upchuck”. I felt miserable and I think it was a sign of being overstressed. My body was telling me to get some sleep.

Prolonged sleep—for one to two weeks—was a sign that I was overstressed and was having trouble coping. During that time I had to follow through with getting kids registered at school, trying to get a truckload of boxes unpacked, getting used to a new area where I knew no one, and still trying to keep ahead of things. It was especially true of our move to AR. Non-stop stress from January (when the move became a reality) to July (when we moved) and all the way through Christmas (when the school closed for vacation and the holiday rush was over.

WITHDRAWAL

The medication that helps me to feel balanced and emotionally stable can cause serious side effects when or if I decide to completely stop taking the medication. The side effects will come into focus full force. That means I might experience severe headaches, upset stomach, shaking or trembling, erratic thinking, fuzzy mind, etc. Although I have never had these problems because I have never gone off medication “cold turkey” I understand that it is true. I have had trouble with migraine headaches in the past and they are not fun. Why would I chance a serious headache, or for that matter any thing else, by going off all my medication all at once?

WHEN YOU MISS A DOSE

There are some times that you miss medication for some reason or other. For me it is usually when I am out of town and we get home later than expected. When this occurs I normally anticipate getting home early enough to take my meds at the normal time. I usually miss my evening medication. If I have to drive home late at night—3:00 or 4:00 AM---I know that I will be more alert if I miss the Seroquel. I may do this intentionally in order to stay awake so I won’t fall asleep at the wheel.

When I do this for that night and only that night I am on a manic high and recognize why I am reacting that way. It feels good and I can see why people want to get off the meds but as the mind races the serotonin level decreases and eventually the old symptoms return. The next day I go back to my regular meds and realize that it will take one or two days until I am back on schedule. I don’t advocate doing this, but when and if you miss a dose go right back on schedule with the next scheduled time for medication. Don’t fall into the mindset that you can handle it without the meds unless you are on the doctor’s orders.

HALLUCINATIONS

Personally this is something that I have never experienced but I know someone who had this problem. The young man was a Rhodes Scholar who got up to the last semester and then decided that he just couldn’t finish college. Naturally his parents were upset but there didn’t seem any way to convince their son to change his mind. When he went into counseling he was having hallucinations; a sign of the more advanced form of Bipolar. It took several weeks before the medication took effect and the hallucinations disappeared.

Reaching a point where he felt better, the young man went off his medication. Wrong choice. He went into a downward spiral and the hallucinations came back, only more pronounced this time. He had to get back on his meds and spend 6 weeks in the hospital to get everything corrected. However, he hadn’t learned yet the importance of staying on medication. He went off his meds again and had to repeat the time spent in the hospital. Each time the hallucinations were stronger.

Moral of the experience: Each time you go off your medication the harder it is to get back on track. When the symptoms return they are stronger than when you were on a balanced regular dose of medication. No matter how you feel, especially when you feel at the top of the world, don’t quit or change anything.

MEDICATION AGAIN

I have struggled over the past few weeks to try to understand why I feel so good for about 3-4 days then just lose interest in things. I now understand what is going on. I was to take Effexor XL every day rotating the dosage. 225 mg. one day; 300 mg. the next day. After spending 3-4 days on the higher dosage when I dropped to 225 mg. even this slight dosage drop eventually pulled me down. For now I have to stay on 300 mg. every day. I’ll discuss this on my next doctor visit. (Dec.1)

ADJUSTING YOUR MIND

No, not physically adjusting it; mentally changing my train of thought from I can't do to I can do. I have this feeling inside that I can't handle something so I don't even try. It's almost like I am afraid of failing or feel like the goal is too unreachable. It's a difficult mindset and I know it is a type of rationalization but I can't seem to make any progress. If I do attempt to start working on a goal I can handle it for 3 or 4 days then I lose my perspective. I feel so bad that I can't get back on track. I think I really need someone to talk to who has my undivided attention Hubby can tune out almost anything so if I say anything of importance he only hears part of it or doesn't give me the full attention I want. We all need someone to motivate us.

TIME FOR FUN

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures."Henry Ward Beecher

"...procrastinating is hard work."

"Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing, and only character endures." - Horace Greeley

NEED ENERGIZED

I have discovered this week that it has been extremely hard to stay focused. I get up and feel like I have no energy. I determine that the next day will be better and when I wake up I can't always follow through. For example, my hubby was awake most of the night. He woke me up twice with loud screams due to leg cramps. That was bad enough but then he forgot to shut the alarm off and after ringing at least 3 times, I gave up on trying to get a full 8 hours of sleep. I did get up around 8:00 and took my Effexor and let it kick in. It took a couple of hours before I felt ready to face the world but know I am on track.

At times like this I wish I could turn a switch on and go full speed into manic mode. It sounds like a good option only I know that I can't get on the old roller coaster. When I ride the waves of bipolar without medicine I remember how I felt before going on medicine. I can't go back to that. It's too much of an emotional mood swing that leaves me completely out of focus.

FORGIVE YOURSELF

If at any time during this crazy bipolar "mess" you give into something off the wall be willing to forgive yourself. This is perhaps the hardest thing for me to do.

For example, if I go out and spend a little more money than usual, either return the item or recognize it as one of the stages of bipolar. If I get angry or out of sorts, the same thing applies. Take it in stride and forgive yourself when your emotions get out of control for a while. If you take one full day to do nothing but read a book or let the laundry slide, it's okay.

I never learned this when I was in my 30's. It was always go, go, go. Never a minute for myself. I pushed for my family and ran a regular taxicab getting everyone from place to place. Yes, that is part of the family routine. And in most cases you have to be a super mom. But don't forget that you are a person, too. One day of doing almost nothing is not wrong.

I might add that because of the number of years that I followed the philosophy above it is very likely that my brain chemistry got out of whack and the bipolar came through sooner than it may have if I would have had the sense to forgive myself for not slowing down and smelling the roses, looking at the world around me, or reading a book. I should have put myself into the picture rather than see myself as the one who had to do it all.

MEDICINE BREAKTHROUGH

Being bipolar means always trying to be alert about your feelings and what is happening to you personally. One thing I have learned is that if you are on medicine there is such as medicine breakthrough. That means that at some times a medication which is working for you without any side effects will occasionally give you a completely different reaction.

I have been taking Effexor for three years and the drug does a wonderful job of helping me. But at times the depression or mania returns without any change in dosage. That is what is termed breakthrough. There are times when the brain chemical become somewhat unbalanced and for a few days you feel down or go into a manic stage. There's nothing wrong at all; it's normal but somewhat frustrating.

It usually happens around the time that we change our clocks. No matter what the government has made as the date for change, our body doesn't recognize it all the time. By mid September my body starts needing more rest because the days are getting shorter. My internal clock says it is time to slow down. In spring it may take a few weeks to adjust to daylight savings time since it now comes earlier than years ago. Also there are times of extreme stress or times when my schedule gets interrupted and I go through either manic or depressive stages. I may be "high" for three or four days and then all of a sudden feel depressed. It can happen.

MOTOR SKILLS: TYPING

An after thought: I had really struggled with my writing for the past two weeks and the harder I tried to work on my articles, the harder it became. I just couldn’t get my mind to put the words on the paper spelled correctly. It was almost like I was dyslexic. I have never had a problem with spelling and my mind is usually clear so that I can write with ease. I was really frustrated and didn't have a clue. Man I felt like I went from being in graduate school to being back in kindergarten. But I forgot about being bipolar and brushed that aside. Now I realize I was wrong.

Now that the extra meds are moving out of my system, I can tell a big differenc. Talk about a change. My mind is clear and I will probably type twice as much in one day as I used to. And that is saying a lot since I am already a prolific writer. Another part of my life comes back into perspective.

SHAKING

I made a connection about the extra doses of meds but there was another problem I was having. Off and on for the past few years I have had problems with my hands shaking uncontrollably from time to time. I’ve gone through all the possibilities and just accept it and realize that it may be from too much stress on the tendons, etc. I have had severe tendonitis for quite some time and am trying to keep it from turning into carpal tunnel.

Interestingly enough, today the hands still shake a little but there is not nearly as much as two days before. I am convinced that the meds were affecting my nervous system and the thing that I saw was the shaking. In fact the harder I tried to stop the nervousness the tenser I felt inside and the more the hands actually shook. Weird how medication can affect us. That’s why it is so important to know your own body and read the signals that it sends to you. I still have much to learn.

MEDICATION CHANGE

With my stark revelation about the anger and internal turmoil I also realized something else. My medication was too strong. I have to relearn again how to monitor this change. At the beginning of the month I was anxious and needed a larger dosage. Alternating days didn’t really help much so I stayed on the larger dosage for a week or so. Now I have made the connection I wish I could have made a week ago. The higher dosage was too much and although I didn’t immediately realize what was going on, it was making me depressed without any motivation to do anything.

I felt so overwhelmed that I didn’t even want to try things. In my mind the effort to do something was so exaggerated that I gave up without trying. Now that the drug is evening out I have the motivation back and am handling tasks that I wouldn’t have attempted even last week. It’s amazing just how important keeping the dosage correct is. I also realize that the two moments of anger were not the real me talking. It was the extra meds causing agitation and making me angry. Today I can see it so clearly. If only I could have seen it earlier.

But I found my way out of the maze and that’s all that matters.

TEMPER TANTRUM

Yes, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I had another day when I got so mad I just couldn’t keep it in. I hate getting mad and it’s not part of my normal personality. I was always the compliant child who sought gratification by trying harder to get attention. Most of the time it worked. But what I didn’t see was that the pattern in childhood would carry over into adulthood and trying to keep all the pain deep inside where others could not see it was not healthy.

I was always concerned about my anger and I used to chat in therapy over my feelings. My counselor said that I probably didn’t come even close to what most people experience when they are angry. It’s just that I don’t let off steam for such a long time that when I do “blow up” it seems to be uglier that it may actually be.

At times I feel like the weight of the world in on my shoulders and when I feel so alone, IF it continues for a long time, depression sets in full force. That’s what I realized today. I feel 100% better and I think I am actually feeling alive and worthwhile. I didn’t realize exactly how depressed I really was.

Through all of this, I am thankful that I have a loving husband who may not yet understand bipolar but who seems to take it in stride. And, to my poor cat who went in hiding for several hours, I am glad that I never considered even once in taking my out anger at you!! Now, kitty, kitty…where are you?

KEEP A JOURNAL

Several years when I first began to sort out issues about my past I was encouraged to keep a journal. It didn't sound like an important thing yet I did it and I was pleasantly surprised. As I wrote I discovered that what my mind was thinking about was so far removed what I thought I was feeling that it seemed strange. But as I wrote more and more I gained a better understanding of who I really was. Not just a person on a family tree. Not just a wife, mother, teacher, or taxi cab driver for all the boys. I was important and had personal needs that were often not being addressed or were being swept under the carpet. I had lost part of my identity. Writing has given me an outlet to understand what I am feeling and has given me a chance to really know the real me.

BE AWARE OF WHAT YOUR BODY IS TELLING YOU

You really need to be aware of the signals that your body provides for letting you know that something is wrong. Just like visits to a regular medical doctor for ear infections, sore throat, flu related problems, or fever and pain you need to be aware of what is going on in your life and how it affects your feelings. At times when stress is very high for me, I have to have extra sleep so I can feel rested. Holiday seasons like Thanksgiving and Christmas are just plain stressful anyway.

Our body has a whole network of ways to let us know when we need help. If your ear hurts, then you need to see a doctor to be sure it is all right. A stomach ache, a sprained ankle, a broken leg or arm, an earache, a fever, diabetes, or high blood pressure all tell the doctor something about your problem. Signs that I need a medication change includes sleeping too much, having a headache for several days, nausea, nervous or jittery feeling, or going non-stop for several hours without fatigue (mania stage). Each one of those signs tells me something and I pretty much know what they mean.

Learn to monitor your body and listen to what it is saying.

HOW TO CHOOSE A DOCTOR

I think the most important part of this whole bipolar thing is to have a good doctor who will be actively involved in adjusting medication. I have used my family doctor for years to help me with antidepressants but more and more often the meds would stop doing their job. I have taken Prozac, Lexapro, Wellbutrin (which didn’t help at all), and Celexa. Although that might sound like a lot of meds, I have been treated for depression since 1985. Also, I have not taken them continuously. I have had two or more years between each prescribed medication .I have tried to come off meds and take an herbal alternative but with very little success. It wasn’t until I decided to use a psychiatrist that specialized in medication for mental problems that my success with meds improved 100%.

A good doctor who understands medication and its side effects is so important. Also he needs to have more knowledge about bipolar and the struggle we have with it. Communication is important. He understands more about the disease because of the intensive training he has received. That's why I chose to go to a specialist rather than a general practitioner.

COUNSELING

Should I get counseling? A simple question but with a variety of answers. For me I was diagnosed with clinical depression for several years and from time to time I did have counseling. My choice was to talk with a psychologist to gain more information about the struggle I was having.The main focus for the talk therapy was to get some problems out of my system and to have someone who was objective give me insights into what was really going on.

I have never had group therapy and have mixed feelings about it but for some people it is a good choice because it lets you know that others are struggling with the same problem. Isolation is not the way to handle being bipolar but I have to admit that this choice is sometimes the path that I take.

Another benefit from counseling with a psychiatrist is to gain input about your medication and whether or not it is working for you. Perhaps you don’t think of a psychiatrist as someone to give counseling since their primary function is to monitor medication but they can be useful in helping you to make small changes that will help the medication work better.

BREAK AWAY!!

What a renewed mind with the weekend trip! I feel energized and rested. I worked a little on my writing but overall I had time to relax and forget about all the problems of my little corner of the world. I think the idea of getting away needs to have more priority in my life. It always seems like it is some problem work-related or a commitment that keeps us home, but only 48 hours can make such a change. I'm not stressed out about anything. Good feeling.

BRUSHING THE GLOOMY CLOUDS AWAY

This topic in one that is far easier to write about than to actually do. I have a tendency to be more depressive most of the time and for years I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Is the glass half full or half empty? With me, my depressive side always says half-empty. I know all the right things to do but actually making my mind snap to attention is not so easy. Ir's so easy to crawl back into bed, stay inside the house, or let the depression take over. I know. I've been there and I still struggle with it now.

The rules are: (1) get out of the house (2) find something interesting to do (3) exercise (ugh! I hate that and usually avoid it)---and yes, I know I should do it (4) call or visit a friend who understands you and can give you support. (5) turn on the lights in a room to make the rooms bright (6) put on some music--upbeat and the kind that won't keep you depressed. (7) go to a restaurant or mall or some place where people surround you but don't overwhelm you

Now if only I could follow my own advice every day I would be just fine!!

TAKE TIME TO RELAX

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever know what the meaning of that word means. My life seems so hectic at times when all I really want is some peace and quiet. This weekend I am in TN visiting my son and his wife and it is so great be able to sit down and hear almost nothing. My own life seems full of interruptions, way too many phone calls, always plenty of laundry to do, and so on, and so on. My mind needs time to unwind and I have had to relearn how to forgive myself and actually do something leisurely.

Working on my writing helps me to relax but my mind is still active. The intent of relaxing is to let your mind take you far away from all the tasks and details that bother you. If you need a break, walk outside and sit down for a while, work in a garden, read a book. sip a glass of lemonade, or bask in the sun. Whatever it takes for you to relax, do it. Once you allow your mind to calm down, you will feel better.

Oh, BTW, that relaxing time has to be longer than 5 or 10 minutes. With the fast racing speed of a bipolar mind in a manic stage that doesn't give me long enough. With only a few minutes, the time is short that I have only had time to think of more things to do and not unwind at all.

INSIGHT INTO MOOD SWINGS

In the early stages your depressive or manic (upswing) moods can switch back and forth so quickly that you get frustrated. If you have just been recently diagnosed and are starting to medication remember two things.

1. The extreme range of emotions is what doctors are trying to “even out” with medication.

2. The longer you are on your medication the more the mood swings even out. In the early stages of bipolar I had the ups and downs on a very irregular basis. Now I can pretty much say that it’s about six months of feeling up and about six months of feeling blue. Also, summer is simply brighter outside and this is the time that I feel more in control of things. When winter comes and the days are longer, the depression actually seems to take control.

Also be aware that it takes from 6-8 weeks for the medication to get 100% into your system as it evens out the moods.

EXTREME EMOTIONS

The mood swings of being bipolar can be exhausting. One minute you feel great, ready to take on the whole world and maybe energized so much that you can stay up way longer than you should. The next minute you are agitated or are crying for no apparent reason. Sometimes it is as easy as someone saying absolutely nothing at all that should bother you but for some reason one word or a statement can cause a crying jag or depression.

On some days I find myself moving into what I like to call “kill mode” where anything or anyone who gets in my way better leave me alone. That includes my husband and the cat. You may wonder where all the emotions came from and why you can’t just “get over it”. Remember being bipolar is actually classified as extreme mood swings and don’t hit yourself over the head because you don’t like it or can’t understand it. It’s the stupid disease!!

I CAN'T CONCENTRATE

Did you ever have one of those days when you couldn’t focus or concentrate on anything? Did it frustrate you? How did you handle it?

Perhaps the thing that can really irritate me is the inability to concentrate. I try to do something like read a book or write and I feel like I am just staring off into space and no matter how hard I want to get something done it is just not going to happen. Most people actually experience this more than once in life, but for the bipolar person it seems to happen more than I want do admit. Normally for me it is due to not getting enough sleep or being very emotional. Sometimes if I take a short nap or give myself permission to watch television I feel better and once I am rested I can concentrate. On other days, I just have to chalk it up to being bipolar. I have to keep reminding myself that this chemical balance is real; it is not imaginary. So for one day or maybe even two I give up on the concentration and realize that tomorrow will be better.

PSYHCIATRIC INTERVIEW

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO LAUGH

CRAZY TALK

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

STRESSFUL EVENTS 2005

In 2005 my husband had a hip replacement and two cataract surgeries. One son faced criminal charges filed by his stepdaughter and the resulting divorce proceedings split one family unit apart. I was diagnosed as bipolar and had to learn about this disorder and how it could affect me. This one of my normal years but the events were probably more stressful since many of the problems were not solved in just a year or so.

CONCLUSION/ANALYSIS
So, you probably wonder exactly why I am listing all of this. It is certainly not to brag on myself but to show the heavy stress load that kept my life in turmoil and more than likely tipped the scales toward a bipolar diagnosis. For years I was diagnosed with clinical depression which seemed logical but every two years my medicine stopped working and we had to work through a new medicine.

STRESSFUL EVENTS 2002

Only one and a half years later the stress continued. My father passed away, one son graduated from college and one son graduated from high school, we had a wedding in June 2002, One son who had been living with us moved from AR to DE and my husband took on extra work responsibilities which involved probably 50% travel. We lost seven people who we were very close including three aunts in addition to my father. Again a very stressful year.

STRESSFUL EVENTS 1999/2000

In 1999/2000 my husband was diagnosed with a heart condition, my father was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and my “baby” brother was admitted to the hospital with severe pancreatitis which put him in a coma for three weeks and a hospital stay of 8 months to recover. I had my son’s future wife from NY staying with me and in the year 2000 we had a wedding. And that’s only what I remember. WHEW!! Again!

STRESSFUL EVENTS 1996

In 1996 alone I experienced two graduations, putting the home in VA on the market and moving to AR, dealing with a lawsuit, problems with a realtor who wasn’t motivated to sell our property in VA, contractual problems in settling on the property in AR, and working to get boys settled in high school and college in an area where they hadn’t even seen. Also on my plate in the same year was problems with my brother being arrested and convicted with a felony, parents who were having problems with mental health issues such as “five finger discounts”, and a son who faced charges as a result of reverse racism. WHEW!!!

PREVALENCE OF BIPOLAR

It seems lately that I have met or heard from several that they or someone else they know is bipolar. To determine exactly how many people are affected in the US I checked on the NMH (National Mental Health) site and about 1.7 million people have bipolar disorder. That is approximately 1.7 % of the population. In children and adolescents there about 3 million affected. Many of these are misdiagnosed with either depression or ADD. Children in this group are actually in the early stages of bipolar disorder. They just haven’t progressed to the extreme mood swings found in bull blown bipolar. (MentalHealth.net).

Another fact that I discovered recently is that bipolar disorder may be caused by extreme stress as well as the usual heredity factor. For myself there is a heredity factor but I am beginning to consider the fact that extreme stress has only added to my diagnosis. 1996, 1999, 2002, and 2005 were stressful for me with extreme stress. Normally psychologists estimate that the human body can only handle three stressful events during a year. That includes marriage, a death in the family, divorce or loss of job. Although not mentioned I am sure that the recent hurricanes and tornados which devastated many areas of the US and left many without homes is also included.

SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL

If ever there was a day that I wanted to end it was yesterday. I got up rested and ready to write but it went downhill from there. I had to run an errand at the bank only to have the bank inform me that they thought the check I was going to deposit was bogus. Great!

I returned home to work on the computer and every time I turned around this "bug" kept popping up. I absolutely was totally fed up with the dumb thing and I rebooted my computer at least twice only to have the stupid thing come up again. I tried searches that only ended in places where they were unable to load the site. I was ready to go on a bashing spree and clobber anything that got in my way. Then, as it that was enough the cat bawled all day. I knew he wanted some attention but I was so frustrated at the computer that I sent him out of the room and closed the door. The bawling didn't stop.

My husband called from work to remind me that we were going out of town. Drat! I completely forgot about it. Then when my son called to double check if it was okay if his wife's sister and husband were staying there due to no electric would that be okay. My hubby readily agreed without checking with me when my preference would have been to make it another weekend. BTW, he wasn't much help throughout the evening. He had his face glued to the RNC and pretty much ignored me. I could have been a ghost wandering through the house and he wouldn't even felt a chill.

I simply couldn't relax. My mind kept replaying the event at a business meeting that frustrated me and I felt was ridiculous. The group voted on the item but I am still upset. No matter how hard I tried all day I just couldn't relax one muscle. I sat down, I got up, I sat down again and then I got up again. Total bummer! I considered taking a whole sleeping which would have knocked me out for 24 hours, fought the idea and finally went to bed around midnight frazzled(with the right balance of meds). Once I got asleep I slept around the clock. What a difference it makes in just getting sleep.

Maybe today will be better. I sure hope so! No way do I want an instant replay of yesterday!

AM I CRAZY?

Before I was diagnosed as bipolar I went through a series of different antidepressants and actually wondered if I was ever going to feel “normal”. On my first meeting with a professional, after answering a few questions about my feelings, he gave me my diagnosis and said “Aren’t you glad that you aren’t crazy?” Seems that many people actually question their sanity or ability to interact in life and have often considered themselves to be crazy. It sounds weird, but when the mind doesn’t focus like it should we become confused. We have unanswered questions from within that test our entire thinking process. We feel crazy inside and hope that on the outside we are not acting crazy.