BIPOLAR I

I have never actually talked about this since I don't have this type of bipolar but it seems worth mentioning. This type of bipolar is an extreme version which has the person on a full blown mania stage. They never seem to run out of energy and can go on very little sleep. Occasionally it catches up with them but after a day or two of extra sleep the manic stage returns.

I read somewhere that bipolar can be compared to a cocaine high. If they get out of control due to hours of non-stop activity they may become psychotic are require hospitalization against their will. They may also have trouble with the police. I'm guessing that the extreme manic phase must be like a wild adrenaline rush. If the person cannot relax the hospitalization may be necessary to calm everything down.

JOY OF COOKING RETURNS

This may or may not be related to bipolar but it seems worth mentioning here. After a couple of nights of getting completely rested I feel more like myself. I worked on making apple butter, something I have never done before. I am feeling more like being in the kitchen again and when I take on even simple projects like making jam or making a casserole I have a sense of accomplishment. I actually feel like I am ready to get back to enjoying time in the kitchen, something I haven't done for years.

All those years of cooking for a house full of boys and kids made me feel like I never wanted to cook again. More than one person has told me they felt the same way. I think maybe I am over that bump and am ready to get back to something I always loved.

A LOOK INTO THE PAST

Early April 2006

Trouble finishing projects; don't feel organized, buying things with good intentions then putting them down at home and then the incentive is gone. I have to stop and think in conversations. In May when the time change has normalized in my brain and the sun is shining my energy level goes up and I feel elated. Once again I feel emotionally worn out when I had to give emotional support to Terry. My mood did a down swing and I felt like I never would be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This pattern repeats itself in a regular fashion and helps me to better understand bipolar disorder.

INTROSPECTION

January 2006

1) Occasional feelings of “it's not worth fighting any more” Just ready to quit on reaching my own goals. Some OCD arises.

(2) Some periods of stress leave me with the “I can't breathe” feeling. A type of panic attack.

(3) Giving an answer to a question is important but having the answer ignored and the question asked over and over until I give the right response (whatever that is) frustrates me.

(4) Lack of encouragement from others sends me on a negative down slide. Why can't someone be there for me when I am always there for others? Small little touches that I do on some days are ignored or overlooked. Just a simple “that's nice” would make my day.

(5) The repeated pattern of someone else's OCD, panic attacks, lack of attention, and lack of encouragement is consistent year after year. It is exhausting and is draining all the energy from me.

MORE INSIGHTS

October 2005

(1)There is a repeated patten with not getting enough sleep and feeling worn out and depressed. This lifestyle is way too hectic The up stage of this disease normally occurs around September and October when the time change happens. The slower pace seems to be exactly what I need.

(2)By the end of October I was feeling depressed with lack of sleep, lack of interest in things I enjoy and feeling anxious. Too much stress and not enough sleep. Not enough time for myself.

(3)I have a pattern of feeling emotionally worn out from all the problems that present themselves with an intensity that most people don't have to deal with. Everyone has stress but mine feels like it is non-stop. Way too many things to balance all at one time.

(4)Problems with falling asleep begin with my eyes popping open as soon as I hit the bed no matter how tired I felt before. I have problems holding up my head during the day and want to sleep to compensate for the lack of restful sleep.

INSIGHTS & FEELINGS

August 2005

(1)Heavy stress leaves me feeling trapped and unable to concentrate fully. I notice that I lack interest in things I once enjoyed. I am anxious about seeing my doctor since I have not met my goals.

(2) I have a problem with difficult people. I want to avoid confrontation yet I need to speak up. Further frustration comes from feeling ignored or unable to carry on a two way conversation. I hate it when people treat me like I don't exist.

(3)Interruptions drive me crazy! Especially those that come non-stop with no time to catch a breath.

INSIGHTS

I recently found my journal with my thoughts and perceptions about bipolar disorder when I was first diagnosed. I thought it would be a good idea to put them down here.

July 2005

(1)One of the first things I discovered was that being overwhelmed caused a lot of stress and eventually led to lack of sleep and anger for not having enough time for myself.

(2)At times I feel like I am between two dimensions: one was peaceful and the other was scary. I had dreams about walking around in strange house yet knowing where everything was. The dream was in great detail such as the number of panes in a window and what was inside each cabinet door. I thought that someone was trying to get inside hoping that my hubby would notice. I woke myself up feeling very scared.